so explain again why im purple
no
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
