On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize