he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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