look no pants
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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