Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
please come you make the beer taste better
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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