if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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