My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize