I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
