The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
