the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize