i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
