Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
