I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
