My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
