yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
