Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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