i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
