You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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