If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
