my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He felt like a one man threesome
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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