The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My ass is underappreciated
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
