I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize