Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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