"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
