You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
