Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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