i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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