literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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