Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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