Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
