ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
