ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
