i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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