Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
