I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
