I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
