It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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