So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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