got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
