Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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