You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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