I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
