I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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