fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize