She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
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