I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You can't special order awesome
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
