ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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