i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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