I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
