What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
