My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
