you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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