I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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