he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
