Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
