found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize