How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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