My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
