you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
