New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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