Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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