Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
