i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Its about making memories worth repressing
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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